SELF-WORTH AND THE FORK IN THE ROAD

“'Tis a lesson you should heed:

Try, try, try again.

If at first you don't succeed,

Try, try, try again.”

~ William E. Hickson, 19th Century British Author

A wise woman once proclaimed that I might as well learn a lesson the first time ‘round, or it’ll just come back and hit me squarely on the ass. In my limited time here on earth, no truer words have even been spoken.

In this particular case, the journey began when I was a mere 16-year old girl, boy-crazed, rife with insecurities, and trying desperately to find my way in the world.

Enter Jamie, my first love. He was the neighborhood’s dreamy little bad boy who could make even the strongest girl swoon. And he wanted me! We were the perfect couple, bonded like glue, and dedicated to each other until the end of time. Or so I thought. Soon into the relationship, his tomcatting, skirt-chasing Casanova ways came to the surface, revealing him for the playboy (and I do mean boy) that he was.

I have no doubts, even to this day, that Jamie loved & adored me. And, I know he tried his darnedest to stay faithful – but he was a 17-year old boy, after all, and from what I hear they definitely “have needs”. We tried and tried to stay together, but alas one day I simply knew it wasn’t going to work. So, I gathered every ounce of self-esteem I had and somehow managed to screw up the courage to utter the fatal words, “We need to break up.” Gasp.

Although I knew it was the right thing to do, my delicate little heart broke in two. I left his house, walking only a block, and already I missed him desperately. What I desired most was to be wrapped up in a warm, fuzzy blanket, with someone to nurture and reassure me that the world indeed wasn’t going to end. I was definitely craving a mom-fix and ran home as fast as I could to get it.

Imagine my shock when I opened the door to greet the only living soul in the house, my father. Now, back then my dad was quite the formidable character. He was the strong, silent type, brimming with masculinity and as far from warm & fuzzy as any man could be. But, given my state of despair, I realized he’d simply have to do, and began spouting the saga of my break-up with Jamie.

As I painstakingly relayed every excruciating detail – in the way only a 16-year old girl could – my father listened patiently. He heard all about Jamie’s philandering ways, how he had cheated on me with other girls, and even how he had consistently offered “suggestions” on how to improve my looks, unknowingly tearing down my fragile self-esteem with every word.

As my dad listened, he sat quietly, intently, not really saying much, but gently supporting me in his strong, masculine way. Even though he didn’t say it, I somehow knew that he loved me completely and would have moved heaven and earth if he could to take my hurt away. And in that moment, I also knew he saw me as his magnificent, beautiful girl, overflowing with special gifts and talents.

Thinking back, though, it’s amazing how easily I brushed off the view my dad held of me, thoughtlessly attributing it to the fact that he was my dad and therefore had to think that way.

And that was my first fork in the road.

You see, in that single moment, I had the choice to see myself through my father’s eyes, or to choose the perception I believed my 17-year old boyfriend held – that I was not pretty enough, or smart enough, or interesting enough. I just simply wasn’t enough for someone to love. Instead of adopting my dad’s point of view, in my 16-year old wisdom (or lack thereof) I chose what was behind door number two.

While the choice, of course, wasn’t really conscious, it led me down a 21-year path of creating situations that proved out my “not enough-ness”. Bad boyfriends, constant comparisons of myself to other girls, and a perpetual seesaw of feeling amazing one day, only to have my self-esteem dashed against the rocks the next. It’s amazing, really, what a difference a single unconscious choice can make.

Fast forward to age 37 as I was recovering from probably the only other relationship in my life where I had given my heart completely. Craig and I met five years earlier, and I had come to believe “this is it, this is the one.” Not only did he love me, but at the beginning of the relationship he even loved me more than I loved him. How could it not be safe? How could it not last forever?

Without going into excruciating detail, I’ll just say that Craig was the embodiment of Jamie reincarnated. No, he wasn’t the bad boy, and no he didn’t have feathered hair that made you weak at the knees, but after five years of remaining loyal he eventually succumbed to his philandering ways. One indiscretion with another woman and my hopes and dreams were again smashed against the cold, hard bedrock of life.

I remember calling my parents to let them know. My father answered the phone, which was indeed a bit of a rarity. My mom was the talker in the family, after all. As I heard his voice – still very masculine, yet softer and gentler as the years had passed on – I had the undeniable urge to rush headlong into his arms and let him care for me like only a father could.

And that’s when it hit me. I flashed back to that moment 21 years earlier and experienced a profound sense of déjà vu. It was as if I was experiencing an echo in my life – a second chance to learn what I just couldn’t get the first time around.

In front of me once again were two roads – one that held the vision of myself reflected in my father’s eyes, and the other a mirror of how I believed Craig, Jamie and all the other men in my life had perceived me. Of course, now that I was older and wiser I realized both roads were actually just reflections of my own internal perceptions, fears and beliefs. And I recognized that I now had the opportunity to consciously choose what was true for me.

Thankfully, I was no longer a 16-year old girl. I had wisdom, insight and experiences that gave me a deep knowing of who I was. And, unlike all those years ago, I was finally able to see my own value. So, I consciously chose road number one. And with that choice, I felt the heavens opened wide, the angels begin to sing, and the world begin anew. Not only was this fork in the road the start of a whole new way of being, it was also an inspiration for everything I am today.

The gift my dad gave me all those years ago was profound, and I’ve dedicated my life toward teaching it to others. You see, we are all born to be precious, unique beings overflowing with our own rare gifts and talents. Never is that truth more evident than as we glimpse at a newborn. Seeing a child for the first time, you’d never say, “If only her hair were a different color, or she weren’t so pudgy, or she never cried . . . then she’d be valuable.” Never. Instead, you recognize the miracle of life, knowing she is indeed as radiant and magnificent as the stars above.

And that, my friends, is what we’re intended to know about ourselves. The only difference between us and a small infant, after all, is a ton of misguided judgments and experiences that led us to believe our value is dependent on something outside ourselves. We are inherently valuable. No if’s, and’s or but’s – we simply are. If it weren’t true, we wouldn’t be here. End of story.

Eventually, each of us faces the same fork in the road – the first path leading to standing confidently in our own value, and the second a meandering road of “not enough-ness”. Whether you’re approaching this fork for the first time or the 100th, you have the incredible opportunity to fully embrace your magnificence, and recognize that you’re valuable beyond even your wildest dreams. And, if for some reason you haven’t chosen path number one in the past, I encourage you to heed the wise words of William E. Hickson: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.”

About Nancy

Nancy Shuford Craig is a Coach, Author, Speaker and Event Leader, helping single women know that love at any age is 1,000% possible. She helps clients clear anything that may be blocking them from love, vision and call in a partnership that truly fulfills them, and prepare them to be absolutely ready and capable of sustaining those relationships for life. With over 19 years in personal development, an MA in Spiritual Psychology, Certification as a Master Coach, and in-depth study of the Feminine and Masculine, Nancy has helped hundreds of women overcome their challenges in order to achieve their true heart’s desires.